Giantland
2020
At some point in our life we get woken up. Spiritually that is, if we’re willing. If we’re listening. And If we choose humility in order to receive it. I call it waking up to the bigger game.
This post is one- of many moments- where life smacked me in the face (in this instance, literally)… and I had 2 choices:
I could either keep playing my own way… or surrender. And see what else life had to offer beyond my ego, stories, excuses, control, and pain. I eventually chose surrender. And may I just say… life has been much bigger, and far more beautiful, rewarding, fulfilling, & meaningful ever since.
Photo taken at College of the Sequoias softball field in Visalia, CA.
Written & shared in 2016
“LSU drill,” they said.
So, quickly, we assumed our positions.
This is where we work on our footwork when the ball is hit to the outfield and we need an assembly line of players to relay the ball to the appropriate base- as efficiently as possible, of course.
So we began.
Firing the ball to our teammates chests and then leaping out to receive it, turn and throw, when it came back around.
My turn.
I gained ground forward, put my hands up to catch it- and instead of landing the ball in the pocket of my glove, it grazed the top- and landed square in the middle of my face.
When my teammates and coaches came to my side to help, I did what anyone who lets their ego lead the way would do…
I pushed them away.
So they left.
Now I’m not sure what hurt worse that day- the ball of solid cork and leather nailing me square in the face… or dealing with the pain all by myself.
(hint: the second one)
This was 6 years ago. A time where I knew only fear. I knew victim. I knew alone. I knew lacking. I believed in myself, but the thought that others may have an opinion about it- held me back. I was limited.
Fast forward 6 years: I finished my career as a Collegiate athlete- most importantly, proud and at peace with who I chose to be throughout it; made the most incredible life-changing relationships; opportunity hangs out with me like it’s my best friend; I dream dreams- and make them happen; I have internal peace that I didn't even know was possible; I am sure of who I am, and love exactly who that is- even through the confusing moments; I am proud of the friend I have become, the sister and daughter I am, the athlete I continue to choose to be and every single one of my imperfections. I learn from challenges and I’m better for them each and every day. Love is the only option for me and I have taken on loving life and every human in it like it’s my full- time job. I am responsible for my life, I communicate authentically, I honor my blessings, my integrity makes me whole, and I am unwaveringly, relentlessly, committed to the absolute best version of myself. I am possible. Limitlessly possible.
So how the heck did I do that?
I played. I played the game. I dared to be coached. I dared, with much, much hesitation- to let people in. I set intentions, affirmations, wrote & wrote & wrote. I asked for help. I leaned on gratitude- overwhelming gratitude. I visualized. And again, with much hesitation, I dared to let people in. And slowly but surely, through my radical acts of self love and excruciatingly scary choices to let people love me and stand by my side- despite my fear of judgement & betrayal— slowly but surely, I became possible. I became happy. I became limitless. I became Free.
What looked like a collegiate career in the game of softball for 4 years, was really a 4 year degree in Life. A degree that taught me not what to think and how to be, but how to think and who I wanted to be- and most importantly, to honor just that.
Those years of my Life, are ones I am ridiculously proud of. They were not perfect, I was not perfect. I made a lot of mistakes, took a couple detours and learned a hell of a lot (they were actually really freakin' hard). I took the mistakes as lessons, the detours as information and worked my ass off everyday to reveal just a little more of the greatness I knew was inside of me.
Does this mean I have Life all figured out?
NOOO.
(& I've realized that’s not the goal here. Those years simply prepared me for the hardest years to come.)
It just means, now, I’m possible. It means that whatever comes my way, that holds true. That I have accepted that Life is all of the beautiful, the ugly, the life-changing, magical and the confusing. It means that I have the tools to get through whatever may come my way. With grace through the small things and some days with no grace at all- but that’s ok.
What I want to say is this: you are possible. You are wildly possible. Your dreams, your fulfillment, your peace, your freedom- is POSSIBLE. You are made up of pure Love and endless possibility- and frankly, nothing hurts me more than to see you not know that. To see you not own that.
Trust me when I say- that Life, it takes a team, an army. If that’s not something you have whole-heartedly accepted, you are standing in your own way. It takes the best soldiers and players you can find to get through it. But please know- around here, we are not just looking to get through it, we are not looking to simply exist and survive— we are looking to be ALIVE.
There are two things in life that matter. Thats right, two.
Love & Be Loved.
Surrender to this, and all becomes possible.
Welcome to Giantland.